Different words, different worlds

INTIMACY AND INDEPENDENCE



Intimacy is key in a world of connection where individuals negotiate complex network of friendship, minimize differences, try to reach consensus, and avoid the appearance of supperiority, which would highlight differences,(women tend to focus in this).

¨Many women feel it is natural to consult with their partners at every turn before making decisions¨.



Independence is key, because a primary means of establishing status is to tell others what to do, and taking orders is a marker of low status,(men tend to focus in this).

 ¨Men automatically make more decisions without consulting their partners¨.
 

Asymmetries

Intimacy and independence dovetail with connection and status: The essential element of connection is symmetry: People are the same, feeling equally close to each other.The essential element of status is asymmetry: People are not the same; they are differently placed in a hierachy.

The symmetry of conection is what creates community: If two people are struggling for closeness, they are both struggling for the same thing.And the asymmetry of status is what creates contest:Two people can not both have the upper hand, so negotiation for status is inherently adversarial.



Framing

Another way to think about metamessages is that they frame a conversation, much as a picture frame provides a context for the images in the picture.

Metamessages let you know how interpret what someone is saying by identifying the activity that is going on:

• Is this an argument or a chat?
• Is it helping, advising, or scolding?

At the same time, they let you know what position the speaker is assuming in he activity, and what position you are being assigned.

Example: If you talk to others as if you were a teacher and they were your students, they may perceive that you as condescending or pendantic.If you talk to others as if you were a student seeking help and explanations, they may perceive you as insecure, incompetent, or naive.

The modern of face of chivalry

Framing is key  in the following commonplace scene:The chivalrous man who holds a door open or signals a woman to go ahead of him when he is driving is negotiation both status and connection.The status difference is implied by a metammessage of control:The woman gets to proceed not because is her right but because he has granted her permission, so she is being framed as subordinate.

The protective frame

A protective gesture from a man reinforces the traditional alignment by which men protect women.

A protective gesture from a woman suggests a different scenario:one in which women protect children.

That is why men resist women´s efforts to reciprocate protectiveness-it can make them feel that they are being framed as children.These underlying dynamics create sense out of what otherwise seem to be senseless arguments between women and men.

In persuit of freedom

In a study of how women and men talk about their divorces, Catherine Kohler Riessman found that both men and women mentioned increased freedom as a benefit of divorce.But the word freedom meant different things to them. When women told her they had gained freedom from divorce, they meant that they had gained ¨independence and autonomy.¨ It was a relief for them not to have to worry about how their husbands would react to what they did, and not have to be ¨responsive to a disgruntled spouse.¨ When men mentioned freedom as a benefit of divorce, they meant freedom from obligation-the relief of feeling ¨less confined,¨ less ¨claustrophobic,¨ and having ¨fewer responsabilities.¨

Male-female conversation is cross-cultural communication

If women speak and heard a language of communication and intimacy, while men speak and heard a language of status and independence, then communication between men and women can be like cross-cultural communication, prey to a clash of conversational styles.They speak different genderlects instead of different dialects.

Anthropologist Daniel Maltz and Ruth Borker summarize research showing that boys and girls have different ways of talking to their friends.Boys and girls spend most of their time playing in the same-sex groups, some of the activities they play are similar but their favorite games are different, and their ways of using language in their games are separated by a world of difference.

Boys tend to:

• Play outside, in large groups that are hierarchically constructed.
• Their groups have a leader who tells others what to do, how to do it and resists doing what others boys propose.

 Girls, on the other hand:

• Play in small groups or in pairs
• The center of a girl´s social life is a best friend.

The key is Understanding

Being able to undestand why our partners, friends, and even stranges behave the way they do is comfort, even if we still do not see things the same way.It makes the world into more familiar territory:And having others understand why we talk and act as we do protects us from the pain of their puzzlement and criticism.

We all want, above all, to be heard-but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood-heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant.



With increased understanding of the ways women and men use language should come a decrease in frequency of the complaint ¨You just do not undestand¨.